(My mood is nowhere near joy right now, FTR.)

Well, a few weeks ago I broke up with my g/f. One that I have been with for almost a year and a half. Were I not living so far away from her, I might be more inclined to stay with her, but I ended up being 4 and a half hours away from her due to college. This, and other factors led me to break up with her, although we are still friends and all.

So during these few weeks I start to feel lonely. I had wild dreams about my ex, urges to ask her to take me back, just something to end the lonliness. Then I come across her.

I don't know why I've never seen her, she says she's been riding the bus to college longer than I have, yet I only now notice her. I was absolutely wowed the first time I met her, we had so much in common. Similar tastes, similar sense of humor, we both liked rock music, we both enjoyed gaming, she even liked to RP, which was an issue with my ex for the longest time. Oh yeah, she was also incredibly cute. She gave me her screen name the first time we talked, and told me where she lived the second day. I unfortunately read these as signals that she was looking for someone.

So eventually I ask her the question if she has a boyfriend. She tells me no, but there's a guy that flirts with her a lot. So I would have a little competition, but to me(in my delusion) it didn't sound like she was that interested in him.

Then I saw the two together. They were a lot closer than I assumed. Especially considering a mark that was on her neck, but, along with a few of her friends, started walking around to a couple of different places. During that time I could hardly take my eyes off her, even if she was standing right beside him.

Then I tried to tell her my feelings for her when we had a chance to be alone and asked to go out with her, and she explains that she can't exactly abandon him. I should've known this beforehand, I was.. I guess I was just so desperate to be with someone again that I refused to accept the obvious truth.

The worst part of this is that she rides the bus with me, and I keep seeing her outside of class. I even had the fate of meeting her in the mall(with her b/f) when I was just going to check a release date for a game that I was looking forward to. Almost everywhere I go, I see her.

It's really starting to get to me. I feel myself on the verge of tears from how torturous this is. Normally I'm in a cheerful mood a majority of the time, but I feel depression taking over as the majority mood now. I see my friends laughing with each other and cracking jokes that I could've had a chance to make funnier. Normally I take this chance, now... it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I want to be with her, but I can't. And I can't avoid her, because she's almost everywhere I go. It's like I'm being forced to press my face up against an unbreakable glass window and watch what I want being taken by someone else.

I can't stand it. She says there's probably someone else out there for me, and she's probably right, but, something in me is refusing to move on. I offered to just be her friend, but I keep finding myself wanting to do more than just laugh with her and I keep being forced to force these desires back down.

I don't know what to do.

Welp, today I start the first day of second quarter of college. It's definitely different from 1st quarter. Some good things some bad things. For example, I get stuck with a teacher that I do not like in another class and I don't get any weekday off this quarter, however I am in a class that I wanted to learn about. I am currently learning about computer hardware, which was something I wanted to study up on. Sorry I haven't done any writing lately, just got tied up with work and such and when I got home, I didn't feel like writing, I just wanted to hang out in the chats. I'll try to push myself to do more though, for the few people that do like to read my shtuff.

(>.< I hate these comps at the school. They suck when trying to go on this site. my mood would be more of a whatever thing right now.)

Well, I figured out why I got abandoned like I did. It wasn't anything personal I did, I just flat out rub the guy the wrong way At least now I know. I can understand that actually, some personalities just rub people the wrong way. Me and him actually talked it and for the most part.

On another note: I am like five minutes away from doing the practical part of my quiz now. I'm still not entirely sure I understand Java completely, but I'm gonna try my best to figure out using what I've learned before and stuff.

Oh yeah, and I officially start my job sunday. I'll be working evenings from 3-9:30 most of the time, but I'll only be working 4 days of the week, at least for this week and next week. Tuesday will be the last day of the 1st semester and we'll have a whole week off from tuesday. Yay, heh. This time I'll be staying at the apartment, so apart from sunday, wednesday, friday and saturday. I'll prolly be on the computer. Who knows, I might submit a couple more continuations on my stories. I might currently be working on a 12th part of the Jiriko story. I do know I'll be entirely rewriting the Chain Letters story, because I got an interesting idea after writing up Fanfic Freak Stay tuned.

I finally have my internet back! *Hugs 22-inch flat screen monitor* No more borrowing my roommate's g/f's laptop now. I finally have my own Hewlett Packard back So yeah, also I am starting my orientation at Target today, so I'll also have a job and won't have to drain my bank account anymore. Double yay! Haha.

(Before I start, I'd like to point out I am nowhere near feeling joy at the moment. This computer doesn't want to seem to bring up the emotes, so I'm stuck with the default.)

About a few minutes ago, all my classmates all started to get up and head for some sort of hang out point, and I was coming along, because just about everyone was leaving, including my friends. So we're walking out to the parking lot and we split up people to cars, 4 for each car, but when we get to thecar, the guy driving looks at me and says "I don't really want you in my car" I asked him why and he just said "I don't know, I just don't" I didn't bother to argue, I just turned around and headed back for the college.

*Laughs ruefully* I don't know why this hurts so much, it's the story of my fuckin life. I'm not trying to sound emo or whatever, but just about every year of school I've always been the outcast. I don't why it would change now. Whatever, fuck em. I don't need em, I just hoped for once in my life it would be different, but apparently it's just going to be the same old shit. I've always been the one picked on, made fun of, stood up, set up, screwed with. *Shakes head* And they wonder why I spend so much time on the computer.